Tonight's quiz shared some space with a hockey game. Being fully a Geek myself, I was mystified by the crowd reactions, not understanding that the third quater-thingy means a hockey game is close to the end. It was a good quiz tonight at Harpo's.

I'll see you next Tuesday at 7:30.

The Pictures:

Da Dukes of Valmont

Everyone needs a smoking baby, and you can win one two just by signing up for the email bonus prize round.

CAPTION

Mega Smegma tonight's winning team.

The Scores:

Mega Smegma	                66
Flippity Jibbets	        65
Furburgers	                62
Da Dukes of Valmont	        61
The Gnu Guys	                53
I'm too Pretty for Craigslist	52
Aloicious Deliciousness	        49
Scruffy Nerfherders	        48
U Got Served	                45
The Sausage King of Arlington	31
Threesome	                27

The new time still has a few Geeks boggled. The official word: The quiz at Harpo's starts at 7:30. Together, we'll all get on the same page.

Barman Mel was tonight's hero. When the battery inside Harpo's wireless mic died, he pole-vaulted across the room, making a mad dash to Safeway, saving the day with a brand new 9-volt. Hats off!

Boulder's full of "stupid white men," at least according to the scores on the American Indian round. This was one of those all-or-nothing rounds. With a couple of exceptions, most teams had nothing.

Harpo's has a spinach and asparagus burger. I was intrigued, but worried that the asparagus would fly away. Nothing of the sort; it was cleverly encased in molten cheese. Delicious. What'll they think of next?

Let's look at some photos.

Tonight's winning team: Octo Mom and Her Clown Car Va-jay-jay

Delicions Duck Butter

Cheese Factor

Meet Bianca, Matt, and Layla. Like Voltron, they combine to form BiMala.

Watch out for Moose in Heat

Here's team Nice 'Stache (Say with Indian Accent)

Where's my Dukes at? Oh yeah, on Valmont. The Dukes of Valmont

Really. How does he do it? Here's Bing: the winningest email bonus prize contestant in my quiz history. Sign up for the email list and you too can win swell stuff, like a plastic Jesus. "I don't care if it rains or freezes/long as I got my plastic Jesus/ridin' on the dash board of my car."

The Scores:

Octo Mom and Her Clown Car Va-jay-jay	70
Dukes of Valmont	                65
Kates 5 Way	                        64
Duck Butter	                        54
Moose In Heat	                        53
Cheese Factor	                        52
Nice 'Stache (say with indian accent)	48
Bimala	                                47
Uno Flippity Jibbet	                13

... at least when it comes to our nation's telephone calling code. (USA! USA! US... whatever.)

Tonight was my first quiz at Harpo's. A lovely venue with an excellent staff food, drinks, and an attentive, clever Geek population. There was much change afoot. Some Geeks had a hard time coping. Which is understandable. After all, there was a new quiz master. The quiz began at a new time. Swine flu is in the air. Lilacs are in bloom. Twitter-birds are chirping. I guess it was a lot to manage for some. Most of all, many regulars were in a dither about the time change. Tonight's quiz began at 8pm instead of the usual 7pm. Together, we weathered the storm. And a compromise was reached: NEXT WEEK'S QUIZ will BEGIN at 7:30pm.

Next week will run smoother. For my own sanity, I also promise to institute a new set of norms for our class. Norm one: Geeks will not rush the quizmaster while he is doing repeats. Geeks will hold onto their answer sheets until they are asked to turn them in. (My table's next to a patio door, I can't be held responsible when the haphazardly dropped answer sheets are blowing in the wind.)

One gentleman tanked tonight's audio round and made it very clear that he was "not gay in the 90s." I imagine he didn't come out of the closet until much later.

Shall we enjoy some pictures now?

Nice cans.

These two guys both just lost their wives (at least, for the purpose of the photo.)

California, here she comes... the girl in green is Westward bound. Fitting that You Got 8pm Served swept the competition tonight.

Jim's Harem knows how to pick a stick and how to nit-pick. (Yes, they are into auto-scoring.)

The Dukes of Valmont tied for second with Jim's Harem. A tie-breaker was in order

The Scores:

U Got 8pm Served	72
Jim's Harem	        58
Dues of Valmont 	56
Whispering Eyes	        53
The Devil's Three Way	52
Flummoxers	        50
Noddles Duh!	        48
Gold Run Razorbacks	46
Flippity Jibbets	46
Smoke Mark Cuban	46
Go Wings	        41
Hail to the Chimp	41
Wenis	                39
Sasskwatch Charley's	38
Chester	                36
Club Duh!	        35
Aristocrat	        10

Congratulations Bing on your email bonus prize win. Beware: gummy bacon is nasty!

Due to the Nuggets game and a successful turnout for said game. While us quizzers are not impaired by their judgment they, somehow, are unable to focus on a baseketball game in the throes of a real competition for cold, hard beer money.

Quiz is slotted to resume next week. Until then stay tuned to your emails and the blog for details...

Christ is coming so stand back or at least get a damp rag to clean up with.

My People-
Thank you, thank you, thank you for the profound honor of being your quizmaster oh these many Tuesday nights. It has been my distinct pleasure to be able to hurl insults and f-bombs in your general direction for a couple hours once a week. I've thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it, yes even the minutes where I thought Pubeface and I were going to be taking things out to the parking lot. You've been my Tuesday night fix, it's been more fun than I ever would have expected. Needless to say I am very sad to be leaving you, my faithful geek flock, but the road calls. Rest assured I have left you in good and capable hands, not to mention a mustache that puts anything I could ever grow to shame. Yes Loki will be in to verbally abuse you and insult your mothers next week and before long, you'll be so glad this annoying butthole finally left you all alone. So at any rate, sincerely, thank you, I've loved it and hope you have too.

Meatball gum. Yup, that's meat-balls in your mouth, yum yum gimme some.

Moose In Heat

Alright, enough of that lovey-dovey sensitive crap let's get down to brass tacks here. It was brought to my attention quite early last night that those door-ringing ass-hats known as Jehovah's Witnesses may have some far creepier, far more hilarious motives to their annoying house calls. The Dukes of Valmont, who claim they are not Jehovah's Witnesses (yet referred to this propaganda as "the monthly letter") brought this to light:

Yes, this is honestly the latest porno-propaganda from the Jehovah's Witnesses. She made us come indeed. With those huge jugs are you really surprised?

Oh and that's not all, it goes on...

If I can ever stop laughing at this I'll read it and let you know what it will accomplish indeed. I'm guessing Christ will feel much more relaxed and at ease and will probably be kicking all those skanks out so he can finally get some sleep.

Yup, you read it here first, Jehovah's Witnesses...total perverts. Shockingly I wanna join their crusade way more now than I ever did before, is that weird?

We got out of the gates quick last night with most teams making the first few rounds if not their bitch, at least their willing concubine. Through three rounds, The Flippity Jibbets were one point shy of a perfect score, that's just frightening.

Round four...butthole athletes. Man I hate me some butthole athletes. Did you guys all know that Plaxico claimed he shot himself at Applebee's? Personally I'd have bought that story, I know I'd shoot myself if I ever had to eat at Applebee's. Honestly, it's like eating at McDick's or Taco Bell but you have to sit down and wait for the microwave to re-heat your fajitas, yuck. Oh, and Roger Clemens naming all his kids with 'K' names just to honor himself? Are you kidding me? Could you be more of a self-promoting fucktard? The answer is no, no you could not. With any luck he had all his kids on the juice too, like dipshit father like dipshit son, right?

We Ordered Wes, We Got Served Loki, I'm pretty sure the guy on the end is about to spew, so like Christ, stand back.

We Ordered Wes, We Got Served Loki with their original order. For those too blind to read the t-shirt, please see rule #2.

The late rounds gave you all the ability to truly let your inner geek shine. A whole round on sci-fi shows had some people's level four wizard cocks set to boner. What was great was watching the guys eyes light up at the same time that all the ladies eyes slowly rolled. Classic.

Some folks are frightened by bright flashes.

I said it last night and I'll say it again now, The Princess Bride is an overrated watery turd of a movie. It's a hemorrhoid on the ass of the movie world. It's a skid-mark in the underwear or movies. That movie sucks more balls than Courtney Love on a coke binge.

Tahoe Teabaggers a damn fine night, even with Brendan and Renee hurting things.

I really didn't want to have to award winners and losers last night, I really wanted everyone to win, but the folks at Harpo's got all pissed when I tried to talk them into bar tabs for everybody so I had to break it down.

Rich Mahogany

In the end it came down to a tie. Of course it did. We've had more ties than not over the weeks so it was just fitting that my final night had to go into extra rounds. When the dust cleared it was the Flippity Jibbets who lost out, but still fell into third place.

The Flippity Jibbets mid-quiz focused...or not.

The Flippity Jibbets. Victorious! Oh, well, third-place victorious.

Second, by way of just slightly less ridiculously wrong tie-break answer, went to the crafty Dukes of Valmont.

The Dukes of Valmont, second place, showing off their religious ace in the hole, or ace in your hole, or something like that. At any rate all kinds of people are coming and apparently it worked for at least second place.

The Dukes. Why yes, he did just bring his head up from uh, well, you know.

Champions, the final champions of my era (all quizzes henceforth will be referred to as 'AW' or 'After Wes', as in 5/3/09 AW), I swear it's the new name, Keanu or Neo or whatever the hell that uh-ing moron is called would be so proud, Wyld Stalyns.

Be excellent to each other and party on dudes!

Less wyld, but still with the possessed-by-the-devil face.

Megatron props and thank go out to U Got Served for the incredibly fashionable t-shirt (as seen in too many of these pictures), I'll be wearing it with pride, thank you guys. Also a heartfelt thanks to The Dukes of Valmont for some great reading material, religiously-tinted and otherwise. And of course, thank you to the Flippity Jibbets and whomever else kept the white russians and hurricanes mysteriously arriving at my table.

Oh! And did we set a record for teams last night? Hells yes we did! 20 teams, woo-hoo! Finally got out of the teens! Good job everyone hope to see us breaking 30 before long.

Roll film!

Truly final scores:
Wyld Stallyns                           76
Dukes of Valmont                        73+1
Flippity Jibbets                        73
Tahoe Teabaggers                        72
Rich Mahogany                           71
We Ordered Wes, We Got Served Loki      70
Bring Wes Another White Russian         68
Dutch Rudders                           62
Steve Holt!                             62
Dick Danger and the Throbbing Members   58
B Team                                  55
The Summer of George                    55
Cheoksae So                             54
Shaken Baby Syndrome                    52
Moose In Heat                           51
The Swine Floozies                      45
JT                                      14
Welcome to the Show                     11
Fuck College                             8
We're Getting Paid 2 B Here              4

Thank you guys, you all kick ass and I can't wait to come back to geek out with you in the hopefully not too distant future.

Calm to sheer and utter madness is about a five minute transition here in Boulder. I laid into the room last night for doing a professional impersonation of a library after closing time and five minutes later I was shouting into the mic just to be heard over the roar. I love it. Actually had a female member of a regular team (a winning team at that I might add) complain that she wanted everyone to shut up so she could hear the clips of James Lipton with his tongue up some celebrity ass in round seven. Sorry, if I'm going to encourage anything at quiz it's the words 'loud' and 'out of hand'. I'd rather feel like I was herding cats than playing librarian.

The Flummoxors for the semi-email bonus win (thanks to all for un-begrudgingly playing along)

Dr. Teeth

Kristen, a long-time and beloved regular (you'll recall her skirting off to her night job as a greeter at Wal-Mart from a few quizzes ago) was a no-show last night. She's a queen of more random knowledge than most, but if there's one thing she knows like Pee Wee knows hand lotion, it's dogs. Real shame since we rolled a whole round on those furry fuckers last night. I guess that'll teach you to stay home on a Tuesday. Next week we're going to have a guest appearance by Neil Diamond, do ya think that might do the trick?

Loki, I'm liking those odds.

Oh Meredith, Meredith, Meredith (I only say it three times because my favorite team name of the night started out with Balls, Balls, Balls and it just seemed appropriate). When will you and your bearded brethren learn rule number two? Every week it's some team-name joke about me or my mom or some less than witty combination of the two and every week it ends in a far funnier joke about Meredith, her mom or some combination of the two that usually keeps my appetite suppressed for at least a few days. Again, we have to endure a night of Amanda Domeredith though apparently from the crowd response, Nomanda Domeredith. Rule #2, learn it, know it, live it. No bullstuff (seriously, editing this movie should be considered high treason). I feel kind of bad constantly hassling you guys but it's just so easy and to be fair I don't start it, I just finish it.

Uh, Amanda? Meredith's right here.

Oh what else did we get up to last night...while Meredith's wounds are still fresh did I mention that her mom blows the horn of Gondor? Yup, not an unsatisfied guy in the whole kingdom.

I have to say I love enthusiastic new teams and when we tore into a round on Lord of the Rings I was damn near accosted by an awesome group of folks from the deck who were of course masters of all things Middle Earth. They proceeded to roll through the round and close out a strong quiz, including a mastery of James Lipton rim jobs and a solid round eight. Despite missing the first three rounds they still put in a solid effort so many thanks and congratulations to the strong effort from Cheesecake.

Welcome fellow geeks, Cheesecake, well done indeed. Hope to see you back next week.

Well, change is in the air here. Yup, believe it or not next week is the last time you will have to endure my verbal abuse. But fear not, I have it on good word that you will all be left in well capable hands. Fear not my people, all will be well in the land of Harpo's. In another month you'll be tipping back shots of tequila and praising the fact that your vindictive and crude former quizmaster has finally buggered off.

That being said...

Announcement: There are nefarious plans in the works for an evening of revelry this weekend (it's looking like Saturday). This is not a joke. If you would like to join your humble and appreciative quizmaster for a few cocktails and dare I say good times at an undisclosed location, please drop a line to quizmasterbegone@hotmail.com and I'll send you further details. I would love to see every one of you there, except of course for pube face. Yes, seriously.

Onto the action...

With a tricky round two most teams left it until the end to drop their jokers thus building the tension to a downright fervor. An unspectacular (at least by their normal standards)
but very steady effort propelled U Got Served into third.

One member short, two places short, still some damn fine work. U Got Served.

The Dukes of Valmont fought for the win like Chris Brown at a Women's Right's Rally but a pant-shittingly-bad round seven doomed them to second.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's a girl doing in that picture? Second place, The Dukes of Valmont

Finally, with a new name perhaps comes a renewed strength. Formerly My Weenie Is Chewy returned from semi-hibernation with a passion. I have to say, on a personal note, please stick with the new name, My Weenie Is Chewy never quite sat right with me. While I am a dude and am pretty much loving anything that involves my weenie and a mouth, the whole chewing thing just isn't my thing, I'm a pleasure guy, not so much with the pain. Oh, and Wyld Stallyns is just brilliant, Bill and Ted would be proud (not to mention my hero George Carlin). At any rate it worked and they even shook off their round eight curse (jokered 15, nice) to storm to the win. Be excellent to each other and party on dudes.

Wyld Stallyns!

Uno mas:
Wyld Stallyns                     78
Dukes of Valmont                   68
U Got Served                       67
Dutch Rudders                      57
Moose In Heat                      57
Pirates Taking Shots               53
Football Bats                      52
Amanda Domeredith                  49
Cheesecake                         49
Flummoxors                         42
India Pale Male                    36
Hookjam                            34
The Hyperbark                      11
Balls, Balls, Balls In Your Face   11

Thanks to everyone for their kind wishes and compliments, I really take it to heart. Can't wait to see everyone next week.

A reminder, as it stands now we'll be rolling an hour later next week at 8pm. That being said, as my last night, I'll be there at the regular time for an early beverage and will be happy to hang out afterwards to enjoy some post-quiz fun as well so if you'd like to join me I'll see you then, or see the email above for further weekend shenanigans.

See everyone one more time next week.

I just wanted to start things off with this picture. Moments later the rotating propeller on top of his hat sent him blasting through the ceiling and off into the night sky. He was missed. Oh, and the guys at Harpo's want to see him about their new skylight.

Man, after round one last night I thought we were on our way to some perfect scores. Total number of missed questions in round one, yes for every team combined...one. Some of y'all were well on your way and to be fair the first few rounds continued on as such. We were all set for a real shootout.

Oh but then we hit round seven. I'm not quite sure if I'm proud or ashamed that you guys couldn't pick out the theme music to such TV gems as The Jerry Springer Show or Baywatch. At any rate, after a round one chock full of perfect eight's, round seven produced a high score (and only one team hit this mark) of...four. To do the math, we had a total of one question missed in round one compared to a combined total of 70 missed questions in round seven. So it seems we know all about airplanes but not so much about bad TV.

Here's a tip: The next time you're on that long haul to JFK or Bangladesh, why don't you check out some of that fine in-flight programming they're offering these days. I caught two episodes of Mr. Belvedere and a killer Springer about lesbians who wanted to cram pudding and aborted fetuses into each other's uh...cram holes. Anyway, it was great, you should check it out.

Quizzity quiz quiz quiz

Just in case anyone was wondering, Meredith's Mom Loves To FU. It may have been "Loves Tofu" but the handwriting was terrible, and after meeting her last week I'm fairly certain I got it right. Still not quite sure why you'd want everyone to know that about your mom but I guess in these trying economic times every family needs a little extra cash.

Standing in for her mom, who would love to FU, is Meredith (head of the table if you catch my drift). Her F-loving mother can be found in last week's blog.

The folks at La Quinta resorts or hotels or motor lodges or whatever in the hell we're calling them this week are gonna be pissed when they realize their logo (courtesy of last night's visual round) is actually being mistaken for the logo of Sunbeam Asshole Bleaching. Yes, this was another fine contribution from Meredith's Mom who would love to FU. It's apparently where she goes to get her asshole bleached nice and pearly clean. Anybody else just throw up a little? Yeah, me too.

Good night's sleep or bleached blonde asshole? You be the judge.

I'd like to thank the fine ladies of Flippity Jibbets for the musical set list last night. I wanted to get a picture in, but you ran for the door and I couldn't catch you in time. I'm always happy to mix it up and play what you guys want to hear. As long as it's nothing by Sugar Ray or any of the groups from last night's round two. I mean, I'm down with being sensitive and all, but Boyz II Men, Enrique Iglesias, and Michael Bolton (even though I celebrate the man's entire catalog) can suck it.

The Neon Robots may not have finished in the money, but with such fine fashion sense (lookin' at the hat), does it really matter?

Alrighty, enough randomness, on with the battle.

The Dukes of Valmont lurked quietly just off the pace all night before pouncing on round eight and vaulting themselves into third place.

Creeping and lurking, just how they like it. The Dukes of Valmont

Had to break a tie for the win and when neither team could come up with a single one of the top 3 densest countries, my patience grew thin and we went straight to the roshambo. If there's one thing I've learned in officiating a good many roshambo-offs it's that you never go toe-to-toe (or would it be rock-to rock) with U Got Served. They've got some kind of creepy stranglehold on rosham battle. I really think they ought to make a pilgrimage here.

So because there really was no hope once it came down to the rock, paper, scissors, second place, and a valiant second place at that, went to New Cocks on the Block.

Great. Just what Boulder needs, new cock blockers. New Cocks on the Block. Thanks guys. Thanks a lot.

And, as mentioned above, taking the rock to win, U Got served.

I'm fairly certain the guy on the left is not part of the U Got Served dynasty, but what would a blog from Boulder be without a picture of at least one dirty hippie?

Count it down people, 3...2...
 
U Got Served                 77+1
New Cocks on the Block       77
Dukes of Valmont             72
Meredith's Mom Loves ToFU    70
Moose In Heat                68
Flippity Jibbets             67
4 J's and a K                63
A Streetcar Named Perspire   61
Awesome                      61
Neon Robots                  59
The Onagers                  39
(I'm told "Onager" is Latin for anal lube or jackass or ass lube or something) 
Hook Jam                     12

Good times, noodle salad.

Oh...my...god. I don't think I've ever witnessed such unified hatred. I mean, I come in every week and give people a hard time, but it's usually a joke (pube face excepted) and we all usually understand that. But you guys and your sub-prime mortgages, holy hell, I thought you were going to start throwing stuff! Did everyone recently lose their houses? Did I somehow miss the refrigerator box-filled shanty town on my way through the parking lot? Sweet baby jeebus, I'm pretty sure I almost got lynched just because it seems most of you couldn't come up with Adjustable Rate Mortgages. Of course, maybe that's why you lost your house in the first place, huh? Gotta read that fine print boys and girls.

The Dukes will be handling all of your quiz-related, psychiatric consultations.

And to think, we started off so peacefully. During round one I had to actually check to make sure I hadn't actually signed up for library night at Harpo's. You know, the night where everyone comes in, reads books, gets completely sideways and then forgets to return the books for a couple years?

I love it when teams try to be clever and funny and instead leave the door wide open for me to publicly humiliate them. Case in point, as usual really, Beard and a Mustache, Two Bits. The team that makes a weekly effort to destroy rule number two as well as defame the maternal aspect of my family.

Well, well, well, how the tides do turn. Last night, lead instigator Meredith thought it wise to bring her own mother to quiz. Did anyone really think I was going to miss out on this? They actually had about 700 other people show up too, mostly just out of morbid curiosity. Now follow my logic here: To be honest, I think most of us figured Meredith was the pure and direct spawn of satan, and if satan was going to spawn with anyone, it'd probably be Lindsay Lohan (right? I mean, if that's not a deal with the devil I don't know what is), and if Lindsay Lohan was going to be at Harpo's there was a real chance one of her boobs would fall out (the last time I checked Lohan was in a pretty solid heat with Britney Spears in the very public crotch or boob-flash count), and since we all love a good boob as well as seeing a celebrity lose even a little more (buckled) face, I think everyone figured it'd be a good time.

Believe it. This is the crowd who showed up, most just to confirm that Meredith actually had a mom. That's her in the back left.

At any rate, the crowd around the Beards was way, way, way exceeding our humble six-person limit. So as they split into a second team of pure concentrated evil. They thought, "Oh I know, let's come up with a team name that'll make fun of Wes' mom! He'll go along with that, right? Especially with Meredith's mom sitting right next to us!" Morons.

My sincere apologies to Meredith's mom, I'm sure she's a fine upstanding lady and hates her daughter with the same kind of fiery passion as the rest of us, but it was her turn to go down. I was told later that she's almost deaf so maybe she didn't even hear most of those things I said.

Just to add a little more salt in the wound, the Beards thought they'd be cute and in finishing off a Woody Allen quote in round one, the answer was "twoness", they thought they'd go National Geographic and turn in "Tunis". See, now there's a distinct difference between the capital of Tunisia and an uptight Jewish film director from New York who marries his own daughter, so no, I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

Believe it or not, despite all these rather annoying distractions, we did actually have a quiz last night. Most weeks there's some moderate shuffling of the standings as we go through each round. Some teams get out good early and then fall apart, some shit the bed through the first few rounds and then come on strong, some teams just plain suck. For one of the few times in my admittedly poor memory, everyone seemed stuck or resigned to their places in the world. It was almost eerie. The Dukes of Valmont came out swinging and stayed on top all night.

When The Dukes are on a roll it's best just to stand back and let them finish.

Fighting Chickens making a claim for most bad-ass newcomer on the block continued an impressive few weeks holding down second from open to close.

New chickens (or would that be cocks?) on the block, Fighting Chickens.

Despite some desperate attempts by the likes of perennial powerhouses U Got Served and Beard and a Mustache, Both on Meredith's Mom, The Flippity Jibbets could not be moved out of third place.

They may look all nice and innocent, but don't mess with the mighty Flippity Jibbets, they'll mess you up.

One note about the fine folks of U Got Served. They were so upset about the hordes of Meredith's Mom onlookers and the potential for serious cheating (which is legit because I'm fairly certain some members of The Beards would gladly cheat their way to victory every week) that they neglected to joker a 14 point round two. Whoops. Would it burn more to know that you'd have been in the money if you just knew when to joker?

You could have 700 people on your team, but if you don't joker a 14 point round, you're still gonna lose.

And now, as the Muppets would say...roll film:

Moose in Heat. More Moose, less heat.

Rich Mahogany, along for the ride.

Those Guys in the Tub, last place and pretty much okay with it.

Two cute girls playing alone. Really Boulder? Really?

Scores:
Dukes of Valmont                               77
Fighting Chickens                              71
Flippity Jibbets                               68
U Got Served                                   65
Moose In Heat                                  62
Dutch Rudders                                  59
Beard and A Mustache, Both on Meredith's Mom   57
Rich Mahogany                                  45
Meredith's Mom Wears Horrible Pantsuits        44
Those Guys in the Tub                          36

Oh man, I should be in Hollywood writing sitcom pilots. I could come up with stuff as stupid as flying Amish and midgets dressed as dog superheroes all day long. In the case of the Amish I just have a couple questions. First, how were these technophobes supposed to be flying? What kind of not-technology was going to get their antiquated asses in the air? 'Cuz I've seen some of those old videos of man-powered flying machines and they never end well. Second, doesn't letting them fly kind of defeat the whole idea of them living such a clean, pure, and simple life? That is, isn't their reward for such a life of toil and boredom that they all go to heaven in their clippity-clop cars, sprout wings, and fly around with some invisible guy in the sky for eternity? If we give them wings, really, what's the point? They might as well hit the bottle, do a few rails, and start banging hookers Andy Dick-style (with a rainbow wig, a giant rubber fist, 14 pork ribs, and a six-gallon jug of anal-nitrate). Oh those Amish are crazy.

Who doesn't need an eyebrow makeover from time to time? Well, the Dutch Rudders are all set after winning the email bonus prize.

From left to right that's the unibrow, the Scotsman, and Grandpa. Nice work ladies, lookin' hot!

As for midget dog superheroes, it's like they took a bunch of really great ideas and tried to cram them all together is one big shit stew. Talking dogs are great, especially when they say stuff like, "Have that bitch go make me some pancakes.", like in that movie where the geeky kid gets it on with his own dog and then a walrus. I think we can all agree that midgets are great, as long as you're not tossing them, that's wrong. These two things could hold up a show just fine on their own. There's no need to go combining them. To use another example, going to strip clubs can be really fun. So can taking a good satisfying dump. But there's no amount of singles out there that's going to get me to drop a deuce while getting a lap dance from some clean, well-educated woman with enormous boobs. I wouldn't even think of taking the Browns to the Super Bowl in the actual bathroom at a strip club. Have you been in there? I wouldn't even touch the walls.

Oh wait, what was I talking about? What was the point here? Where am I? Oh, quiz, right, sorry.

My cousin and his esteemed teammate, sadly I can't remember their team name. D'oh!

Proof that Boulder is populated almost entirely with clean-livin' white folk: For our bonus question in round six, I played a clip of a De La Soul song. You all stood there and stared at me like:
-This wasn't music. Period.
-I was bringing South Central to Boulder.
-You were trying to decipher some odd type of noise you'd never heard before.

Really, no one could even harbor a guess. You knew it was a rap tune and still, you couldn't write so much as a "Dr. Dre" or "Eminem". I weep for the repressed people of the uppity community.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Know your joker. I had two 13's and a 14 in round two who didn't think it was quite time to use that joker. I don't know what kind of perfectionist you think you are that a 14 isn't quite good enough to joker but all three of those teams would have been in the hunt had they just known when to drop that joker. You can take your chances on round eight, go ahead roll the dice. Last night in round two we had two 16's, three 15's, three 14's, and three 13's. Round eight? Highest score was a 10. I'm no math major or anything, but I'll tell you which round I'd have jokered and it's would have been before three. Now I know, The Dukes of Valmont would never think to joker round two, it's like a macho thing or something I think. To be fair, on any given night, they are pretty much the toughest, manliest guys in the room, so I understand, but still, guys, let it go. You'd have been in the money. Oh, and wanted to point out tonight's champions rode a perfectly jokered 16 in round two all the way to Gloryville.

What the? Yeah, I know, but if you live by the joker, sometimes you die by the joker. If quiz was about the team with the biggest balls, The Dukes of Valmont and their round two chicanery would win every time.

My only other beef from last night is not with you all or anyone in this state really. Miss America. Look, I'll be the first to say this is such a swamp donkey dog and pony show and that all entrants should be taken out behind the theater afterwards and shot in the head. The winner's prize should be getting to go last so she can see all those other mascara plastered skanks get offed right in front of her. I'm backing all that and whatever any other commie Boulder liberal wants to pile on, but I do have to take issue with this: Oklahoma has won twice in the last four years. Are you kidding me? Has anyone ever been to Oklahoma? Trying to stay trim in Oklahoma means only one smothering of gravy at the Waffle Hut. Did you know that during football season the University of Oklahoma doesn't pay a dime to cut the grass on the field? Yeah, they just let the cheerleaders graze at halftime (okay, it's a rehashed Nebraska joke, but it works, get off me). I've heard Oklahomans speak (I swear I'm not making this up) and genuinely thought they were speaking a foreign language. I love me a good accent, but Oklahoma? No thanks. Oklahoma (along with a few other of our finer states) shouldn't even be allowed in the Miss America pageant. They should be like those Oscars that aren't important enough to make the big show, so they get the quick mention by some D-list celeb, "These awards were given out in a heroin den in Saigon two weeks ago..."

Oh, yeah, quiz. Uh...teams came, teams went. Teams won, teams lost. Hooray.

Third place went to the team with the hook-up on all the cheap plastic shit you can handle, Beard and a Mustache, Two Bits. Save money, live better, with Walmart

Kristen had to run off to her Tuesday night graveyard shift as a Walmart Greeter but I caught her team just in time.

Second place, and hanging strong all night, Obama's bracket.

I barely know who's in the final four, let alone who our president picked when he should have been fixing the economy, getting us the hell out of Iraq or finding dialysis machines in the caves of Afghanistan.

Champions...U Got Served!!! Oh no wait, that was the last four or five months, sorry. Victorious from the beginning, Fighting Chickens.

Fighting Chickens...so is that like a cock fight? Or is that with roosters? At any rate, there's still plenty of cock at the table. Well done fighters.

Damages:
Fighting Chickens                74
Obama's Bracket                  72
Beard and A Mustache, Two Bits   71
Served You May Have Been, Hmm?   69
General Moaners                  69
Dutch Rudders                    69
Dukes of Valmont                 68
My Weenie Is Chewy               68
!!!                              67
Hasty Emails                     62
Borgman-Turner Overdrive         61
Discoloration of Pit             47
Purple Purple Orange             47
Tiger's Wood is Back             46
Big Nasty Jam                    28
No Freakin' Clue                 20
Gators                            4

That was it, the whole enchilada. Good times people, good times.