This is Tavie, coming to you live from the “Quizmaster Cave of Solitude and Security.” The first thing the waitress said to me was “Good luck, everyone LOVES Dave.” Great start. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Dave, but it’s never easy for a sub to live up to the image of the regular quizmaster. There are those bumps in the road, like a brief oversight on which gift certificate to give to which team, a camera dying, and terrible, TERRIBLE phone that doesn’t have an “enhanced retna display.” However, I do have a hipster camera app. It’s not at all the same. First, the pre-dead battery pictures:

I like to be popular so I have drinking contests instead of tie-breakers. I also drink Slim Fast and vomit because skinny girls are popular.

In 2nd place, 3 Way Jesus’s picture looked like the best possible image you could get from arranging the bunny ears on that 1983 TV in your basement. Slightly better is the third place team’s:

Thank goodness Dave is going to be back next week. He’ll not only come home with a gaggle of howler monkeys, but also a perfect sunburn.

SCORES

Eurolunch                                         68
Amniotic Fluid Cleanup on Table 28                66
3 Way Jesus                                       66 +1
Working Fer Chumps                                64
Dukes of Valmont                                  63
Girls with Low Self-Esteem                        61
Smoked, Fried, and Leaky Documents                60
Cleopatra’s Asp                                   58
Salty Dogs                                        58
Bubbas                                            46
Butters Bottom Bitches                            44
Either I Get My Juicebox or My Wee-Wee Comes Out  42
Medium Pace                                       41

Due to a grievous camera malfunction, Dave may never know what he missed…

With my lovely assistant Crickett (someone’s gotta do the drinking!), I would like to thank you all for welcoming me in! The sheer energy of the teams was astounding, with tight scores and an amazing upset for the win. Quite impressive. For those of you who missed the drama, this is a prime moment to remind you of one golden feature: The Power of the Joker. Astounding, it is. Pure genius, perhaps. It is because of it that the highly anticipated 1st place team found themselves in a cold, lonely 4th place at Quiz end. The drama! The pain! The glory! Huzzah!

Chris was the winner of tonight’s Internet Bonus Question:

Interestingly enough, he stated that his girlfriend had given the nose sharpener to Geeks. Which just goes to demonstrate the great Circle of Geekdom. Dukes of Valmont played a competitive game, dominating in 1st place until round eight. They were casually ousted by Tonight on Lifetime: From Jailbait to Jailbird: The Lindsay Lohan Story, who rounded their Quiz out with a stunning 15 point Joker. Eurolunch slipped past the competition to take 2nd, leaving 3rd place open to the mysterious team of One Dave Down. The team with the hands-down best name of the night , Glory Hole Jesus took 5th, followed by Smoked, Fried, and Capped (which sounds like a fantastic way to spend a Tuesday), who was followed in turn by Jesus is Well Hung. Hmmmmmmmmm… you all seem to know a lot about Jesus’ privates. Just sayin’. Meduim Pace suffered the game with a curious penmanship issue, leading me to read their name as Meduim Pale for the majority of the game. Thanks for the neat correction! *smiles* Quiz on Your Face made me think of other fancy things. When Dave promised the howler monkeys, he probably didn’t think of What Cunts Want, Starring Mel Gibson, although some mysteries are better left that way. I fought with the pronunciation all night long, so much so that Schmishmortion wrote a parenthetical guide, indicating that it “rhymes with abortion”. Toying with history, The Learned Hand Job schooled us all-- apparently the Learned Hand was an early American judge. Better Late Than Never learned a valuable lesson during the Quiz… keep a consistent team name! Actually, Michael was a charming gentleman who’s enthusiasm proved infectious. That, and he showed me the neat scars on his leg from post-breaking surgery. Pretty cool! Doobie, doobie doooooooo… The coveted last place prize thusly went to No Show Fabien. Enjoy that pitcher! Way to bring up the rear!

Let’s take a peek at the teams, shall we?

Not all of the Dukes of Valmont got in the photo, and I had to remind them that I am their personal paparazzi. I almost sang some Lady GaGa to them, but withheld for personal reasons. Game well played!

When I asked their team name, they said, “the good Jesus”. Obviously the Glory Hole Jesus. Dirty birds!

Either they really like Burt Reynolds, or their facial hairs grow at a Medium Pace.

I’m gonna Quiz all over you, baby. Let me Quiz On Your Face!

What Cunts Want, Starring Mel Gibson. ‘Nuff said.

Let’s check the numbers:

Tonight on Lifetime:  From Jailbait to Jailbird:  The Lindsay Lohan Story  77
Eurolunch                                                                  76
One Dave Down                                                              75
Dukes of Valmont                                                           74
Glory Hole Jesus                                                           70
Smoked, Fried, & Capped                                                    67
Jesus is Well Hung                                                         67
Medium Pale/Pace                                                           60
Quiz on Your Face                                                          59
What Cunts Want, Starring Mel Gibson                                       58
Schmishmortion                                                             57
The Learned Hand Job                                                       56
Better Late Than Never                                                     48
Itsaroboticbear                                                            47
Butters Bottom Bitches                                                     45
Is that a trivia question in your pants or are you just glad to see me     44
No Show Fabien                                                             37
No Name                                                                    24
Still No Name Yet                                                           7

It was birthday night at quiz as Harpo’s very own Rob and Brian from Smoked, Fried, & Getting Older celebrated their birthdays. There was singing, cake, booze, and baseball. Very patriotic.

I don’t know if it was the heat, the booze, or Officer Sugar-Tits, but there was a Mel Gibson undercurrent all night. That cat sure has a way with words. It also gave me a chance to remind everyone that no matter how many times you write down “fucking cunt whore,” I’m not going to say it more than twice. Standards, people. Decency please.

As the quiz is fixed, take note: Comparing me in any way to the Travelling Wilbury’s will most likely get you extra points (unless that comparison is “Bob Dylan’s balls.)

I’ve got to cut the banal witticisms short today, as I am meeting Danger Mouse to work on some Mel Gibson Lethal Weapon/What Women Want/Racist, Bigoted, Misogynistic Rants Mash-ups.

Stay tuned, though. If all goes well and the customs officer keeps his damn mouth shut, everybody gets a howler monkey of their own next week.

Quiz Nuggets:

• I’m quite proud of you geeks for the superb use of “deciduous” and “dendrophilia” and for nailing the mystery tree round (pun most definitely intended.)
• Based on the answers to “Hilarious Rap Lyrics,” there are quite a few experts on the wide swath of hip-hop.
• Speaking of hip-hop songs, I have been unable to find the artist “Your Mom” or the song “Dave’s Balls.” They both seem to be popular, though. Can one of y’all send me a link?
• That definitely was not a Golden Girls round because it failed to mention how hot Bea Arthur is.
• Best answers for the powerful neighbor of the country of Georgia? Louisiana and BP
• The visual round, “Deep Shit: Deep Thoughts from Deep Thinkers,” only strengthen my theory that you can learn all you need to know from Bill Hicks and “The Big Lebowski.”
• If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Garfunkel is a hack.
• Nice hair, though.
• The Asian version of the deer is known as the “Asian Deer”
• Yes, we can go back to not caring about soccer again. I’m talking to you, San Jose Earthquakes.
• Helen Keller missed 4,984 free throws, but one thing she could do was finger roll. Gervin stole it all from her.

The Cats in the Money:

Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em, Scrotum: 1st Place After they took the reins with the high score on round 2, it was no looking back.

Dukes of Valmont: 2nd Place They know their Georges and their smells.

Mel Gibson Charm School, Class of 2010: 3rd Place Their studies served them well, even providing snippets of Mel Gibson rants with every round. My favorite, “Go ahead and fuck it, fuck the Jacuzzi.”

The Rest of the Best:

Scores!

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Scrotum...................79
Dukes of Valmont............................75
Mel Gibson Charm School Class of 2010.......72
Two Girls, One Jesus........................71
Eurolunch...................................71
Rock Out W/ Ubaldo Out......................68
Jesus is Well-Hung..........................66
Learned Hand Job............................66
Noonan Sucks (AKA Steinbrenner Has A Heart).66
Smoked, Fried, & Getting Old................66
Clean Colon.................................60
Medium Pace.................................57
Near-Sighted gynecologists..................56
I <3 CW.....................................54
Rosie O'Donnell's Carpet Exchange...........53
Video Rental Mafia..........................34
$1 Whiskey!.................................32
Jibberish...................................17
Not at the Table Carlos......................1

We had a semi-intimate quiz tonight. I’m sure many of you were still celebrating America by scrounging around for any pills that may have been dropped or wondering what happened to your pants and why there was a bald eagle with a surly disposition smoking your menthol lights.

True patriots show up for quiz.

If you didn’t partake in the bonus questions, you missed some lively debate about facial hair (Guillaume has a well-kept beard. Red Robin has no use for the Fu-manchu. The Western is a boss-intimidator and will also ensure you never going home alone.) We also discussed Back to the Future. Don’t worry, kids, Hoverboards will be here by October, 2015.

I’m gonna give Dawn from Harpo’s a little blog love, too. If you like kickball, go to kickforacause.org or go see her at the bar. Get a team, kick some ass, and help out your favorite charity. Free food. Free Beer. Free T-Shirt. 7/31.

(I didn’t include the link because I enjoy the quaint experience of typing it directly into the address bar.)

Enough of my meandering, lets see if there was anything of note we took away with us…

Quiz Nuggets!

• Those who deride Rush and their fans will have five points subtracted immediately. Now take it back. Take it back, I say!
• Sometimes ya gotta know when to fold ‘em. The atheists of Lady Gagger just went ahead and named the cast of Scooby Doo during the Apostles round.
• Just because “The General Lee” wasn’t the theme song for “The Dukes of Hazzard” doesn’t mean it did not exist and is not one fine piece of work from Johhny Cash.
• Sorry, Bing, I tried the let me see a fifty and prove its Grover Cleveland trick but it didn’t work. He’s not on the fifty and those suckers don’t roll out on a Tuesday with the big bills. I bet we could scam some Jacksons next time though.
• Annie Hall smokes pot before sex. What do my ladyfriends do before coitus?
• Leave! Hey-O!
• Joanie may love Chachie, but Scott Baio is a prick.
• I checked. I was wrong. 3 or more notes a chord does make. 2 notes is an interval. It mattered not in the grand scheme of quiz.
• Whoa, Doc! You using the whole fist? (Lady Gagger was crushing it tonight!)

That’s all for me kids. Take care of yourselves out there and if you haven’t yet, make like Annie Hall and watch Rush’s “Behind the Lighted Stage.” It is the greatest thing to come out of Canada since Justin Bieber’s hair.

The Cats in the Money!

Jesus is Well Hung: 1st Place Ted’s leaving with a win and heading to Russia again, to be a spy, of course.

*Not Pictured: Death Squad 3000: 2nd Place because they’re ninjas.

Smoked, Fried, & Annulled: 3rd Place, Chug-Off winner.

Dukes of Valmont: Chug-Off runner-up.

Changing My Name To “Lady Gagger” Didn’t Gain Me Any New Facebook Friends: Chug-Off runner-up runner-up They never slack when it comes to team names.

The Rest of the Best!

Power Bottom Jesus. Nail me.

No Show Fabian

Don’t Bear Mace Me, Bro

Smoked, Fried & Married

Medium Pace

Rusty Trombones

There’s Bill with the email bonus prize whilst killing a kitten. PS, if you need a rat or praying mantis trained, he’s your guy.

Scores!

Jesus is Well Hung........................68
Death Squad 3000..........................67
Changing My Profile Name to "Lady Gagger" 
Didn't Gain Me Any New Facebook Friends...65
Dukes of Valmont..........................65
Smoked, Fried & Annulled..................65
Power Bottom Jesus........................63
Don't Bear Mace Me Bro....................60
Medium Pace...............................55
Rusty trombone............................51
No Show fabien............................48
Smoked, Fried & Married...................46

It was so hot before quiz…

(How hot was it?)

..on the beer pong table, I saw a squirrel icing his nuts. Hey-o!

Harpo’s was rowdy last night, which seems just about right to welcome an Albuquerque transplant QM to our turf.

Thanks to QM Andrew for helping me keep the wolves at bay. See, I told you it only hurts at first and it’s so good they’ll need to get a restraining order to quell you.

Lots of familiar faces and some new ones, too. New, and not as new, I think we can all agree that KISS sucks more than any of the “Real Housewives” and “SONAFABITCH! I KNEW IT WAS COMIC BOOK GUY! FUCK!”

But of course, the most important thing we learned, besides the power of love, or absent that, the power of bathtub meth labs, is that Top Gun holds two important cinematic distinctions.

1. Greatest Volleyball Scene in the history of film.
2. Most overt, latent, thinly-veiled, screamingly homo-erotic, gay soft-porn volleyball scene in the history of film.

Quiz nuggets, with a nice mango chutney and a side of Gene Simmons’ Tongue:

• There is no way a round on Jeff’s should end with “He was arrested for child porn in 2002. Jeffrey Jones.” BEFORE I EVEN ANNOUNCE THE QUESTION! Well played, my good man, well played.
• Glee. Right up there with Twilight, top 40 radio, and brussell sprouts. I’m sure there is a use for them but I’m also sure they steal a little bit of your soul every time.
• Schlimazel, Baleboste, Schlect, Schmaltz, and Plotz: All Yiddish words that can properly, but not entirely, explain my utter distaste and hatred for KISS.
• Oh, Berlin. You had me at Maverick.
• #fuckdodongos: Greatest. Hashtag. Ever. (and not coincidentally, my new life mantra.)
• Everyplace except Sudan, should feel righteously offended to be lumped with Kentucky and the Creationist Museum as worst vacation destination. Delawareingtons (Delawenziens?, aww who cares anyway!) should protest. All three of ya.
• “Born on the 4th of July:” a very unfunny movie with a very inappropriately funny “Penis!” monologue.
• You’ve been warned: The Real Housewife of New Jersey sex tape is everything you think it would be.

The Cats in the Money:

Smoked, Fried, & Getting Hitched: 1st Place Shaping up to be a pretty good week, a win at quiz and then wedded bliss for Nicole and Brian.

A Byrd in the Grave is Worth $100 Billion Less in Pork Barrel Spending: 2nd Place Too soon? Of course not. Like they mentioned, Byrd has been dead since 1978.

Rosie O’Donnell’s Carpet Exchange: 3rd Place Peter came through in the Chug-Off. Thanks for searing the image of a naked, unshaven Rosie O’Donnell into my mind.

Jesus is Well Hung missed 3rd by one swallow of beer. Ted, your wife thanks you for not dousing yourself in beer and I thank you for not bringing that Old style right back up onto me and the computer. Discretion is always the better part of valor.

The Rest of the Best:

Scores!

Smoke, Fried & Getting Hitched................................79
A Byrd in the Grave is Worth $100 Billion Less in 
Pork Barrel Spending..........................................78
Rosie O'Donnell's Carpet Exchange*............................74
Jesus Is Well Hung............................................74
Eurolunch.....................................................73
Dutch Rudders.................................................72
Dukes of Valmont..............................................72
Spewing Gassholes.............................................68
Red Dawn 2 feat. Zombie Patrick Swayze and the hot russian spy67
Dennis Miller Quotient........................................65
The Gulf Coast: Now Dirtier than 
the Jersey Shore (except Snookie).............................64
Turbo Encabulators............................................59
Medium Pace...................................................59
Butters Bottom Bitches........................................56
Angry Beavers.................................................47
Phobic Flip...................................................45
Storm Newsom..................................................43
Team Phobic...................................................41
Sluts and Me..................................................34
Bayne.........................................................21
*won 3rd Place Chug-Off

Before reading, please turn on “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel. Go on, I’ll wait a second.

We’ve all had interesting housemates and I was blessed with a Billy Joel fanatic at one point. Once, he put twenty dollars in the juke box at the Walrus and selected Joel’s entire greatest hits album, poured his beer in the peanuts, and challenged the female bartender to a fistfight. The silver lining was our prompt removal from the bar and away from “Just the Way You Are.”

He also had a framed cover of People magazine that featured the wedding of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley.

It was more disturbing than you can imagine.

As far as interesting housemates go, I’d rank him right above “Masturbates Loudly to Sabado Gigante” and “Sexually Confused Alcoholic Who Never Remembered Putting the Moves On” but right below my crazy Aunt Mable, who was always interested in the thickness of my chest hair.

So thank you, Round 2, for unrepressing all of these memories. I have to go re-up with my shrink for 2 more years now.

Tasty Quiz Nuggets, with meatballs and just the right amount of botulism to give ya the palsy:

• If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Texas, that whole secession thing, we’ve changed our mind. You can go. Please take your congresspeople, textbooks, poofy hair, and a majority of the confederacy with you. Don’t forget to write.
• I wept tears of pride after the great scores on the Ice-T/Ice Cube round. I don’t care how many terrible shows or movies they are in. Without them, this dopey middle-schooler from the suburbs would never know how to live the “Thug Life 4 Eva” or what it’s like being “Straight Outta Compton.”
• I told you “Frank Oz” was gonna piss you off.
• Leonard Cohen knows how to paint a picture.
• If the fail whale showed up in the fuck-up round, I theorize that the entire quiz would’ve swallowed itself and turned into a blue pill.
• Kinda like googling “google.”
• Thank you, Weird Al, for making us realize what suck isn’t.
• Note to all: “That chick” is never going to get you a point.

Enjoy the photography, have a great week, and take care of yourselves, in that order.

Oh yeah, please forward any correspondence to Raoul in Costa Rica, he’ll know what you’re talking about.

The Cats in the Money:

Dukes of Valmont, 1st. What is this, the 26th consecutive win for these cats. A bounty may be needed to unseat them.

Jesus is Well Hung, 2nd. One point, ONE FREAKING POINT! Take solace, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the deep, unyielding faith in quiz that will get you to the promise land.

Smoked, Fried, and Fired!, 3rd. However, they are first in breaking news and topical names. Seriously, McChrystal hadn’t even submitted his resignation letter yet. Diligent.

The Rest of the Best:

Tony Hayward Jablowme

62 Foot Flaming Touchdown Jesus

Panda Pow

Angry Beavers

Red Sox Fans Have Huge Fake Tans

Playing With Myself

Green Hummus

Medium Pace

The Better Looking, Not As Smart Half of Dutch Rudders

Scores!

Dukes of Valmont...............................69
Jesus is Well Hung.............................68
Smoked, Fried, Fired...........................66
Tony Hayward Jablowme..........................61
62 Foot Flaming Touchdown Jesus................56
Panda Pow......................................54
Angry Beavers..................................54
Red Sox Fans Have Huge fake Tans...............50
Playing with Myself............................48
Green Hummus...................................44
Medium Pace....................................42
The-Better-Looking-Not-As-Smart-Dutch-Rudders..39
Jeremy.........................................18
C U Next Tuesday...............................15

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

VUVUZELA!

Apologies, but I am completely enthralled with the World Cup for that reason alone. While watching the games, I have a strange desire for toast and I wander about ducking and flailing wildly trying to avoid any imaginary wasps. My little memory bees, if you will. Plus, the word looks like an amalgamation of “vulva” and “Venezuela.” Hence I have been comforting myself with visions of Hugo Chavez’s sultry, socialist chambermaids.

Speaking of that rant, after perusing the team names, I’m starting to be worried that the geeks have somehow gotten a hold of my diary. If the names “Where in the hell did that donkey come from and why is it spray painted purple?” and “Fried Risotto Balls” show up, I’m going into hiding.

Things we learned last night:

• People would like U2 more if Animal was the drummer.
• One cannot mention Dolly Parton without someone pantomiming large breasts.
• Apparently, no one orders the side salad at McDonald’s.
• It’s all fun and games when the Quizmaster slips up and reads the answer, I know. I’m just happy I can stand up straight, speak English, and not piss myself, let alone read.
• On an unrelated note, thanks for the whiskey, Dukes.
• Dickface McMuffdiver. That mask name is still cracking me up.
• Pat Boone. Dog Collar. Awesome.
• Cow, Corn, and Cheese. Really, that’s all you need to know. You’ll be fine.

That’s it for now. This whiskey isn’t gonna drink itself and I’ve got good money on some of the goal celebrations.

And for those who wanted to lodge formal complaints about contranyms, The quiz sanctioning you received was and continues to be sanctioned by the quiz god Apologetic. He is quite reflexive and will smite you with the hammer of douche. Now don’t spend too much time reflexing on these moments.

I leave with this musing from the great Eddie Izzard:

“I’m covered in bees!”

Bzzz.

The Cats in the Money:

The Dukes of Valmont, First!

Smirkin’ Merkins, Second and nonplussed!

Jesus is Well Hung, Third!

The Rest of the Best

Scores!

Dukes of Valmont.........................65
Smirkin Merkins..........................63
Jesus Is Well Hung.......................62
West Stantwood...........................59
X-Mod....................................58
Raging Jesus.............................57
Stuff We Can't Remember..................57
Please Define Statutory..................55
Smoked Fried and Kicking.................51
Free Beer................................50
The Optically Dense......................48
Like a Sunburnt Penis, We Can't Be Beat..47
Medium Pace..............................47
A-Team...................................43
The Angry Beavers........................43
The Lepers...............................36

As Donald Rumsfeld says, “you go to quiz with the tools you have, not the tools you want.”

One half of the room’s ears are probably still suffering tinnitus from my delicious baritone and the other half is pissed because they couldn’t hear my witty repartee and some of the questions.

Here’s a taste of the delivery:

“WHEN THAT GIANT GODDAMN WORD I CAN’T PRONOUNCE IS IN YOUR HOO-HAA, IT’S A YEAST INFECTION. WHEN IT IS IN A BABY’S MOUTH, IT IS CALLED WHAT? PARDON ME, I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH A LITTLE!”

Anyhoo, the ghosts in the machine responsible have been beaten live on webcam. And those responsible for the flogging have also been flogged.

Enough of that, now a confidential rant to an unnamed, not pictured team:

I see you are having a lovely evening. I see you have twelve people at the table. I will get to the answers to round one, question one, shortly. How ‘bout I read question 2 first? Oh you know that one? So does everyone else now. Wow, that is a bland, uninspiring, unfunny story you just told about how you made fun of that one person at work. The team across the restaurant concurs with me. But the three teams around you would like to thank you for forcing them to the patio, because it really was a nice evening. Enjoy your night, douchenozzles.

Ok, you can read again. To everyone else, thanks for coming out strong, scoring high, and making it one kick-ass, quiztastic Tuesday night. Here’s what we learned tonight, with a side of blue-striped oranges, peeled for your enjoyment.

Quiz Nuggets:

• FML: Generally inconvenient things happening to boring and terrible people.
• Except John McClane, he’s a national treasure.
• At least until he took down a fighter jet with his bare hands. That’s ridiculous.
• What, no “The Song is Over” by the Who for “The Song is Over” round?
• Trivial Pursuit with children is fun. They’re kinda dumb, so it’s easy to win and they think the pie pieces are candy.
• It’s only a choking hazard if you forget to say, “Arms up, big guy.”
• I like the “Words That Don’t Rhyme” round, especially the idea of strange oranges.
• I propose replacing the term “Epic Fail” with “Betamax.”
• I.e. BP Oil Spill. Betamax.
• Last time I got the Coxsackie virus, the doctor gave me some penicillin and told me to stay away from dirty girls. Man, times have changed.
• I was very appreciative of the “Paul Reubens whacked off in a porn theater” answers. On an introspective note, doesn’t a porn theater seem like a perfectly logical place to rub one out?

That’s all, folks. It’s high time to stop nursing my eighth gin rickey of the morning and start doing some serious drinking. Be safe out there. Look both ways and watch out for roving bands of angry oxen.

P.S. LEBOWSKI Quiz! June 26th! Look to your upper right, now! Be there! I will be and I’m thorough.

The Cats in the Money!

1st: Sorry My Gashole Leaks

2nd: Neither is Scott Baio Jesus

3rd: Helen Thomas is Yassar Arafat in Drag!

The Rest of the Best

Scores!

Sorry, My Gashole Leaks............................77
Neither is Scott Baio Jesus........................76
Helen Thomas is Yassar Arafat in Drag!.............76
Dukes of Valmont...................................75
Hobert Hoebergers..................................72
Metzger in the Front, Poker in the Rear............70
Who Would You Rather, Arnold Drummand or Willow?...68
Gabrielle Wants Beer...............................66
Liquor in the Front Metzger in the Rear............61
Butters Bottom Bitches.............................61
The King Stay the King.............................58
Medium Pace........................................55
Strasburgs Sweet Ass...............................53
Married, Dating, & Lonely..........................50
High Fucktose Porn Syrup...........................49
Sarah is Late......................................48
Tried Really Hard..................................46
Investigate Me.....................................33
Grey Goose.........................................32

So I pride my self on being a professional, unflappable in the face of trouble, toil, strife, and blasphemous dick jokes. Not just any schmoe can get up here and give away free beer. Right? Right?

But sometimes, there are lines that are so brilliant, not even Wilford Brimley can espouse about diabeetus without losing it.

“Besides Richard Simmons, the gayest supervillian might be The Unicorn.”

Go ahead, take a look, let it sink in, and go read it to your boss.

Now try:

“Legend, which appears to be inspired by an airbrushed painting on a van.”

Sweet jeebus, that is some good stuff, and it came from the almighty “Suggest-a-round.”

Props to y’alls team names, including Jesus has a large penis and was efficiently nailed to the cross. Blasphemy aside, it takes stones and diligence to write that out eight times. Overall, always topical and hilarious, boundaries be damned!

Happy Birthday to Eddie from Ours is Bigger than Yours.

Confidential shout-out to the PRMC and its founders: See what happens, see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?

Large, Efficient Quiz Nuggets:

• Fancy, ten dollar proverbs
• Is the species ursidae a member of an old draconian religion?
• Does the holy pontifexmaximus defecate in the coppice?
• I think I mixed those up.
• Brandyyyyyy, you’re a fine girl!
• Those are the only words I know to that song.
• Long Live Abe Vigoda!
• Oh man, I’m still laughing about Richard Simmons.
• Ha, ha. A porn star ran for governor. That’s ridiculous.
• Ha, ha. Conan the Barbarian ran for governor. That’s ridiculous.
• In honor of the late, great Dennis Hopper:
• “FUCK HEINEKEN! PABST BLUE RIBBON!”
• USA Today, the coloring book of newspapers.

That’s all, folks. Keep on rockin’ in the free world. I’ll see ya next week.

The Cats in the Money:

1st Place: Who Would You Rather? Dukes or Valmont? This unholy alliance produced some winning!

2nd Place: “Bush” Defeats Gore, again Seriously, that name should’ve been worth a few extra points.

3rd Place: The Angry Beavers But with just a little bit of work, they’re the Happy Beavers!

The Rest of The Best, in no particular order:

Annie took home some “Bite the Bullet” mints. Who says email bonus prize doesn’t take care of you? Email bonus prize always takes care of you because email bonus prize loves you.

*Thanks to the lovely Melissa from the Smirkin’ Merkins for doing a fine photography job tonight

Scores!

Who Would You Rather? Dukes or Valmont..........................76
"Bush" Defeats Gore, Again......................................74
Angry Beavers...................................................66
Cocksure Cunning Runts..........................................64
Ours is Bigger Than Yours.......................................53
Jesus Has A Large Penis and Was Efficiently Nailed to the Cross.53
Madison St......................................................52
Smirkin Merkins.................................................52
Waiting on Mary.................................................50
Medium Pace.....................................................49
Smoked, Fried & Gored...........................................49
Masters of the Universe.........................................47
Scranton Stranglers.............................................47
I Don’t Pull Out But My Couch Does..............................46
Team A..........................................................43
The Three Amigos and a Girl.....................................39
Team Tom........................................................33