Is Tom Hanks to be Taken as a Serious Actor? Two words for you: "Bachelor Party." Enough said.
On that note, here are some Pictures from this week's packed--as usual--quiz at the incomparable Scotch Corner Pub.
The Scores:
Puss et Poisson 53 Team Skank 51 Tour De Franzia 46 Cheese Factor 44 Surfers and Ruggers 43 Three Little Girls who went to the Police Academy 39 Bedrock 37 Coolio Iglesias 36 And we Called him the Clit Whisperer 32 Blame Canada 30 Welcome Back 27 True Britt 7
Let me tell ya’ll, when I repeated that line there was dead silence. And staring. Good to know that when times get tough, I can charge the Geeks for pictures and video of me and two women. I’m sure my boyfriend would appreciate it, too.
Additionally, the LR Forum Geeks are really starting to treat Quiz Night with as much reverence as an alcoholic would give a bottle of Listerene. Not that I’m generally opposed to violence, but I would like to remind the Quiz Virgins to 1)Not shout out the answers 2)Not have MORE THAN SIX to a team 3)Not yell at me and tell me I’m wrong. I am drunk with power, I do deduct points for being an ass-hat, and the usual suspects will call you out on your lame-ass behavior.
On to the fun:
And just for shits and giggles:
Metaphorical explosive devices were landing on her while I received fellatio. She held the byproduct of fellatio in her hand and asked for a piece of jewelry produced by mollusks.
Taking home the Email Bonus, Tod of Freeballers thankfully kept his legs closed while he and his team show of their faux facial hair. Tod's the Angry Scotsman.
Just when The Regulars were about to write off Wednesdays as just another night to be on the bottom, they pulled out some voodoo magic and found themselves in Third.
Jail Bait +1 remembered to have my grandma rub on egg on each of them and pulled Second Place out of some other team’s ass.
In a stealth move not seen since last week, Fuck You, Pay Me changed their Broadway team name and stole First Place from Team Ram Rod.
Fuck You, Pay Me 46
Jail Bait +1 43
The Regulars 40
The Freballers 39
Oompa Loompa Skeet Skool 39
Green 37
Team Ramrod 33
Monnett 32
What the FUCK is that
supposed to mean? 24
Fucktards 14
Late, as usual 9
Army 8
Douchebaggery 4
Thankfully, cold beer helps in this 100+ degree weather.
See you next week! Wear sunblock! Don't drink too much while tubing! (Just ask Megan....)
xO,
heathen.
P.S. (Tag your pics on facebook.)
In case all the ads for amazing car deals hadn't clued you in, Independence Day is almost here. The Fourth of July has been the same old song and dance for the past several decades. A big juicy burger, a sparkler and watching your least favorite relatives blow their fingers off just aren't cutting it anymore. Which is why I suggest we change things up a bit this year.
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone; well that is especially true when it comes to our freedom. That's why this year, I propose we start enslaving Americans. First place winners, Vandelay Industries got the ball rolling for us by abducting the teammates of one of their toughest competitors. This coupled with their intense musical mojo afforded them an eleven point victory over second place.
Speaking of second place, Invisible Ninja Sampsons rocked the quiz with their combined knowledge of horror films and ancient civilisations. Now, if only someone would make a horror film in which large-breasted young women with vapid expressions must elude cannibal Aztecs in order to survive.
The hardcore ravers of Vandelay Kidnapped Our Teammates impressed with their ability to recognize techno as actual music. They were also pleasantly surprised to find that all that time they spent stalking Tom Hanks was not a complete waste when they pulled ahead of the pack in Round 1.
In summation, have a happy & safe Fourth of July! God bless my prodigious testicles! And God bless America!
The Newlyweds grace us with an effervescent glow
Vandelay Kidnapped Our Teammates show off their booty and their ransom note
Invisible Ninja Sampsons abandoned their super powers just long enough to allow for a photo op (Magical halos not pictured).
The infamous ransom note. Forensic experts believe the blurriness of the image may be an insight to the whereabouts of the missing players.
Hmm...Vandelay Industries also appears a touch out of focus. Coincidence or clue? You make the call.
Billy, Jennifer, Mike, Karen & Mary of the Tap Exchange were gracious enough to pose for a picture with me. These guys are rock stars. Their unbelievable swiftness and agility lend an air of the superhuman (plus their fried cheese rocks my face off).
And now for...
Scores:
Vandelay Industries...............................57 Invisible Ninja Sampsons..........................46 Vandelay Kidanapped Our Teammates.................42 The Newlyweds.....................................29 Demon Dogs........................................28 Where's Carrie?...................................26 Locke and Load....................................23 M and M............................................7
They say, "Quizzes are our business," and I tell you friends, BUSINESS IS GOOD!!
We had 22 teams out this week which means after last weeks baseball break y'all were just fiending for a quiz! You people are addicts, and we are here to help, this is your PUB QUIZ INTERVENTION!
Before we get to the scores and who won the bacon wallet and why the NEON MACHINE GUN JUBBLIES were not in attendance let me tell you this: we love it when you decorate your answer sheet!
HAIL SATAN!
awww look a kitty! and TWSS share a lil' INK
BILLY MAYS GOT SHAM WOW'D win best/worst name of the night and 3rd place for the week! Not bad for their first time at Little Woodrows
in lieu of our favorite team, Neon Machine Gun, I present to you The Luckiest man in Texas and 4 Drunk Bitches
down but not out, PRESS CLUB, keeps fighting!
Woodrow's beer-tender, Big Nasty Wireman, helps Ozzy fight the 104 degree Texas heat with a tasty cold libation
BROWNCHICKENBROWNCOW! Good effort once again!
A toast, to THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, and to the Bacon Wallet!
Suck it Trebek! ALL THE POINTS IN THE WORLD:
SIT ON MY FACEBOOK 56 DIRTY IRISH BASTARDS 55 BILLY MAYS GOT SHAM-WOW'D 48 THREE-SIX MAFIA 47 GRRR ARGH 46 BROWNCHICKENBROWNCOW 41 I HEART KITTENS 41 THATS WHAT SHE SAID 41 4 DRUNK BITCHES AND A DUDE 38 PRESS CLUB 34 TEAM FESTIVUS 30 HATERAIDE 30 PICHARDO 30 TEAM TOOLBAG 30 CELL-U-LICIOUS 29 MACKOWSKI 29 HAIRLESS WEASEL 28 SHORT HANDED 28 KUHOUJAK 26 BIG FAKE TIPS 26 THE IDK'ERS 26 LATE CUMMERS 24 SOLO UNO 19
Anyone wishing to challenge that statement can meet us next Wednesday at Ozzie's, 7 PM sharp. Guinness will be on hand to adjudicate.
Evidence of our ball size? Two teams went 8 for 8 in the Maya, Inca, Aztec round. Nice Marmot benefited from one member having taken several Mesoamerican studies courses in college and dating a nice young man of Incan descent whose family spoke Quechua. Can I Get a Cup of Wi-Fi, Eh? boasted they had no such academic background and knew the questions because of pure awesomeness alone.
Cerebral Flatulence picked up a bonus point by writing "It's scented!" on their first answer sheet. At first, I thought they were talking about their name which I found a disturbing concept. Imagine being able to smell someone having a brain fart. After a curious sniff, however, I determined they were using a strawberry-scented pen. They didn't need the bonus point to slip into second place, a spot they found themselves in last week as well. Next week? Domination.
Whether The Sam's landed a first place tie because of their seventh member will likely remain a mystery. I encouraged them to split into two teams but the bond between them was much too strong. As a result, they had to be disqualified but, to commemorate their effort and remind them of the team size limit, I presented them a prize of a gold locket with the six members of the cast of Friends.
There were a few missteps as well. Cerebral Flatulence couldn't remember the name of "Popcorn" by Hot Butter, instead labeling it "Stairway to Hell." When asked what the highest number of gears you'll find in trucks driven in North America, Nice Marmot responded bemusingly, "4." Finally, when asked to display the e-mail prize, Eric held it up proudly...
...until I said, "If you hold it that way, people can't see the whole toy. It looks like you're playing with dolls. Turn it sideways and it will be more manly."
Yeah, I uh...sometimes have trouble finding the right word.
Someone who hasn't ever won a free pint from a bonus question asked me last night how they are awarded. I'm not sure how other quizmasters do it but I like to print up a set of coupons featuring a different image every week. This week, free pints were awarded by Shia the Beef.
The other prizes? Oh, they went to these people:
Two more to close out the night!
Scores! Eradicators 57 Cerebral Flatulence 53 Nice Marmot 46 Can I Get a Cup of Wi-Fi, Eh? 39 Brainy Bs 20 Kimiji's 6 Disqualified! (But kicking ass) The God Damned Sam's 57
There's nothing like quizzin' at O'Niell's. Each week Fernando and I look around before we start and think about how much our hand/throat will hurt from scoring/reading all of those team names. And despite the pain you cause us and our intense social awkwardness, both you and us return each week for exciting bouts of quiz fits. And, this week was as exciting as ever.
Round one was on Tom Hanks. Aside from his role as the alcoholic on the three best episodes of Family Ties, his career isn't that great. Family Ties. That, my friends. That was great. Round two was on techno covers. One of the joys from last night was reading the answers and seeing the people cheer for getting Enigma correct and then looking down in shame because they got Enigma correct.
Round 3 was our multiple choice round on Inca, Mayan, or Aztec empires. I was excited to say Lake Titicaca without any giggling or faux sign language. Fernando in all his verbose skills assisted me on saying Tenochtitlan, which is just as hard to say as it is to type out. Round four was all about big trucks. Usually when I ask a question, the room is either really noisy because it was easy or really quiet because it was harder. Keep this in mind when regulating your answer voice. One man noticed that his voice carried all throughout the interior of O'Niell's when he proudly told his teammates the answer to our first question (which was wrong, too). Also - I would totally dig on a B.J. and The Bear remake. Why? Because you can never have too many remakes of comedies staring chimps in hats.
Round five was our visual round. No one knows about their founding fathers. With an average score of three, I'm guessing it wouldn't have been much different if they were sans funny hats. Fernando read our sixth round, politically correct heavy-metal lyrics. The best part was at the beginning of the round. A cop car pulled up to the stop light just as Fernando read "I heave large testicles. They are prodigious testicles." I watched as the officer leaned down to the open window in question of what he just heard, only for Fernando to talk about his large testicles through amplified speakers a second time. The look on his face was priceless.
Round seven was on movies of the damned. People not playing the quiz can be more entertaining than people who do. For example, the older folks who walked in as the cast of Rosemary's Baby shouted our "Hail Satan!" Again, one of those priceless moments. Finally, we hit upon our final round. We learned that Michael Bay, Tony Scott and Roland Emmerich will always blow hard. At least Tony Scot squeezed out Beverly Hills Cop II, which I'm sure we all can agree on is awesome. When all was said and done we had three winners (although our number one team kicked EVERYONE'S ass):
Second Place
Essence of Gelfling
SCORES!
Brain to Mouth Filter Clogged 72
Essence of Gelfling 59
Magic Propels My Rolly Chair 54
Moon Moon Walkin' at Heaven's Door 53
My Spoon is Too Big 48
Where The Hell is Brigette? 48
Robo-cock 47
The Ball of Cthulu 47
The Sexual Awakening of Joe Don Baker 47
Corn Dog Stanley 46
The Muffintops 46
Mah-na Mah-na 44
The Abusement Park 43
Andrew Action Jackson: Indian Slayer 42
Billy Mays is Not My Lover 41
Your Taste Buds Can't Repel
Flavor of This Magnitude 40
Beat It Memorial Fluffers 39
Michael Jacksons Sleeper Pick 37
Fat Squirrels 37
Cosslapus (KA-SLOP-ISS) 36
John & Chainsaw – Nine 36
Hair Force One 33
The Bastard Sons of Chuck Norris 31
How many Licks does it take to get to
the center of a tootsie pop 30
PB&J 30
Evan Stone's Got Nothing on Me 30
Michael Jackson Died Because his
Heart Just Couldn't Beat It 29
Dirty Foursome 26
Billy 23
Don't Lick Cold Poles 22
Pseudo Kind Sabbatical 22
Catamites 17
I'm With Stupid 16
Crash Pilot 12
Last night was an exciting one, it was, with blues legend Tab Benoit stopping by for an afterparty of epic awesomeity following the quiz. The rumor was that Aaron Neville would be showing up, but no word whether or not that took place, as I skedaddled come midnight or so. Hot fun in the summertime, ya'll!
The quiz itself was not the packed-edest one we've done, which was probably a good thing, since I was sharing the stage with all sorts of musical equipment and a larger crowd would've simply spurred me into long drum solos. "Hey, everybody! It's 'Wipeout!'" I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Especially me. Let's look at some pictures, eh?
So. The team calling themselves Malden Beats Jackson By A Nose sort of crushed. This was the team, née G-Unit plus some other superstars that rule and stuff and junk. Despite their wickedness, it was a low-scoring and pretty damn hard quiz. Indeed it was. And then we all exchanged high-fives and shared a tremendously profound hug. Awww.
Malden Beats Jackson By A Nose 59 3+1=5 55 Crawfish Minus One 43 Awesomer Than You 42 Everlasting Gobstoppers 39 Not At the Table, Carlos 38 Al Franken Is A Big Fat Senator 35 Oxy-Dead 32
We went for something a little different last night...I allowed you, the quizzing elite, to pass my camera around and take your own photos of the action. In some cases, the photo will not be posted (sorry dan, it's not that i'm un-down with your nipple), and in other cases i became the owner of a boner:
We'll get to the rest of your photos a little later in the blog, in the meantime...
Exciting events indeed, quizlings, as we had some funny rounds, some good times, and Chlamydia Is Not A Flower DID NOT win first place! Hooray!
Round One was the Tom Hanks Round. We can pretty much sort Tom Hanks into two categories. Let's take a look, shall we?
Good Tom Hanks Movies:
-Big
-Joe Versus The Volcano
-Forrest Gump
Bad Tom Hanks Movies:
-The Da Vinci Code
-You've Got Mail
-The Terminal
Round Two was techno covers. Vomit. Those techno fucks should keep their music to themselves.
Round Three was on the Inca, Maya, and Aztec. Three empires obsessed with tall temples, blood, weird soccer games resulting in beheadings, and 2012 being the end of the world. Yes, I know I kind of lumped them all in together, but so what? Thanks to Juicy In The Sky With Diamonds for some pronunciation help. You guys are nerds, and I love it. Sorry I made fun of your Marilyn Manson knowledge. No I'm not.
Round Four was the round on trucks. This one time, a buddy of mine was trying to drive into this parking spot, and this huge truck was in his way, and he shouts, "Out of the way big truck...dick...suck!!!!!" That was some funny shit. Volvo, Isuzu, camions, Burt Reynolds and BJ & The Bear. Trucks seem to be pretty popular. Not with me, though. I'd rather walk. Or make a pretty girl drive me.
Round Five was enjoyed by all. Silly hats can't be beat. Wait, I lied. They can. Easily. Notwithstanding, you all told me you liked the round. Strange, considering your awful scores. except Barstool Pigeons, and even they kind of sucked.
Round Six was awesome! Though the songs in question were universally decided to not be pigeonholed as heavy metal, hearing sexually offensive song lyrics in legal speak is pretty rich. Specifically the one about retaining a photo of a meanáge. Rich.
Round Seven-MOVIES OF THE DAMNED!!!!!!! Rosemary's Baby is so fucking awesome! There were a lot of good clips, but a few from movies that suck. If one more of you quizlings told me that Devil's Advocate was a good movie, I was going to strangle you and then Clockwork Orange your ass, but in a way that you would be forced to watch movies that don't suck until you realize 2 facts: Keanu blows, and Pacino hasn't made a decent movie in 10 years.
Round 8 is all things to all people. Except you guys. Bad scores. Don't fret, though. I know you will do better next time. And if you don't, then I'll kill you.
Now on to the photos that you took. Very cool, teams.
And as you know, there can only be three!!!!!
The Final Scores:
Barstool Pigeons 54 Pubixs Cube 50 Chlamydia Is Not A Flower 49 Chinga Melones 44 Drunk Muppets 43 Densa 42 Juicy In The Sky With Diamonds 36 Blind Salamanders 29 Mapleleafs 25 Guillum 25 The Fozzie Navels 24 Awesome 23
Hmmmm, where do I even begin to recap the battle of Operation Dewey’s. I know my favorite was Round 6 the Politically Correct Heavy Metal Lyrics. As I’m sure you would have all loved for me to sing them, I felt as though reciting them in poetic form was much more appropriate and cute. Speaking of cute, I’m pretty sure George Bush coined the phrase Iraqistan, needless to say your answer made me almost piddle. Aside from dance competitions and my first encounter with a sudden death round, I have to assess that last night was a delight. Remember the bag lady who so graciously handed me a passive aggressive note which in turn shed light upon her inability to spell correctly? That was something new and exiting.
The Scores:
Look Busy Jesus is Coming 66 Gate of Heaven 62 Beerzilla 57 D2 47 Maria Sanford 42 Cellular Repultion 35 Jon Jon 14 Golden Spikes 12 Tony Balony 10
